you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
