Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
