i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
