Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
