JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
