Apparently you make a good broom.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
