When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Couch. On fire.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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