Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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