That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize