I faked an abortion last night.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize