Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
