You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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