we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
