i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
