My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
