I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
