i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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