Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
