mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
