That's intense
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
