Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
