My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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