I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
