So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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