Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
