I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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