feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
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