my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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