i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
