The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He called his prostate his "boner button".
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
