this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
