I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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