Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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