I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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