he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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