On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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