Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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