I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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