Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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