Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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