that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize