Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
