Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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