We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
