I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
