I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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