She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
