Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Your dad touched me again.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
