3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
