she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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