he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
