He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
