Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
